Guilt

Okay, Here's My Deal...

It is 6:46 in the morning. I have been up since 5:50. I have been trying to decide what to do since then and now I have waited so long, the decision is pretty much made for me. Dumbass.

My son has been having diaper problems for about a month now and we went ot the doctor for the second time yesterday--I left school early to take him. We are waiting now on tests and cultures from his stool sample. He has no other symptoms and otherwise is "fine" and the doctor said he could go to the sitter today with no problems...just in case he said he needed to stay home, I left school yesterday with lesson plans laid out for today so I would not have to drag myself in at 6 to get it done.

Well, I thought last night that I might take the day and stay home, but take him to the sitter for part of the day and use the time to clean a little around here--part of my deal is that I am feeling a little guilty about the state of our home...one of the things theyare testing for is E. coli SIMPLY BECAUSE if they don't rule that out before they try anitbiotics, it could throw my son into kidney failure...so right away I think to myself, "Oh my gosh, what if it is E. coli and it is because I ahve been slack about cleaning up in the kitchen or at the table? I have got to get things cleaned up!" Even though I know that the chances of him having it are slim because no one else in the house is showing symptoms...but parent guilt is right there nudging me to feel anxious. Plus, we have a dog and a cat and I worry that somehow my son got into the litter box or into dog poo outside and now has some weird thing from them...AAUUGGHH!!

But, then part of me says I am over reacting and I can clean this weekend and he is fine so go to work...then I feel guilty that I am sending him when he might benefit from a day to snuggle and play iwth mommy...

And part of me, the loyal employee, which in reality in my district right now doesn't mean much, thinks, "well, I already know of at least 4 teachers in my building alone who are gone and we are short on subs and now I have waited so long that they may not be able to find one..." But, really, is that my problem? Or the districts? Then, I remember that they (the superintendant and the board) are starting to get really picky on things like child sick days...people are having to prove now that indeed their child was sick enough to warrant you staying home. Well, I ahve adoctor's note stating I was in the office yesterday...but if we stay home because I want to be close to him and we go outside to play and a board member would drive by my house...AAUUGGHH!!

It is just crappy that you ahve to worry about all of this when all you want to do is do what you think is best for your kid. Now, I am pretty much forced to go to school and feel the guilt all day in the pit of my stomach and wonder if I did the right thing.

BUt, my husband brings up a good point...what if you are getting ready for school and it is after 6--which is the "magic" time to have called for a sub by--and your kid starts to get sick? DOn't you call and let the district worry about what to do? Yes...but this is different. Sort of. I guess.

This just sucks.