Now I Understand

Okay, Here's My Deal...

I never really understood how people could not believe in God or how those that do could lose their faith. Well, I do believe in God and I have faith, but it is really being tested right now.

Not only the things in my life are testing it, but I look around at other people's lives and I get discouraged. Not out of envy, well, maybe a little in some cases, but more of disbelief.

I am not one of those "Why does God allow bad things to happen?" people...I have come to learn--NOT completely understand, but learn...that God doesn't allow those things to happen but He doesn't necessarily get involved in things because there is usually a greater good that eventually comes out of a bad situation, even it if it takes a long time to come to fruition.

I look at some good friends--strong Christian friends with 3 kids, one saved, two I am not sure about-- who recently have had their lives completely upheaved due to a number of circumstances that have all seemingly happened on top of each other--job problems that ended up separating the family for a time, leading to their house needing to be sold but not being sold so they are stuck with two payments and in the midst of this, the father of the husband dies suddenly and unexpectedly. To use their own words, he was the rock and glue that held the family together. The husband now is in a crisis of faith, the daughter has gotten closer to God in her walk through her grief, the one twin son is drowing his grief in alcohol and the other twin is sufferening as much...all the while the mother is trying to hold her family together and getting weary. As I said, these peple are srong believers and have a much more solid foundation in their faith than I and look where they are...no wonder I get so discouraged at times.

Then there are the folks who are nowhere close to knowing who God is or fathom the idea that Christ died for their sins and they seeminlgy get all the breaks in the world and whatever they want in abundance. I know that somewhere along the line they will "get theirs" so to speak, but I get tired of wating to see it actually happen...not that I honestly want it to, know what I mean? I mean no one really deserves unhappiness.

I know that doing good and living good don't necessarily mean squat when it comes to my salvation and my standing with God. It counts, but the fact that I have Jesus in my heart is the important thing. But, in my head I keep thinking to myself that my husband and I do okay with "being good" as we don't do drugs and if either one of us has a beer or a drink once in a month it is rare...we don't screw around on each other...we love our parents and our siblings and our kids...and for the most part we are content with our jobs. We hardly ever actually have opportunity to go out and "do evil" as we are strapped for money most of the time and we really do not have friends--we do, but the close friends we usedto do things with have moved to OH and FL or are in NC. We have acquaintences here in our town, but no one or no couples we are close enough with to do things, well, there is one couple, but they are so busy we can't seem to get schedules to jive.

Why am I going on and on enough to make oyu want to slit your wrists? I don't know. It is just that as I said, I am having a crisis of faith right now, I guess. I know God is there and I know that He loves me and that he cares for me, really, deep down in my heart I do, but my head is getting in the way of things right now. I know that my time and God's time are not the same and that sometimes God answers prayers in ways that we are not expecting. But I guess lately I am feeling as though I have been shortchanged by God and that bothers me.

I committed to pray over my family...details are in a few posts back, I think...and I had an epiphany about allowing God to work more fully in my life through prayer...I even had another talk with the other pastor from my church and he encouraged me to continue.

Well, I have basically given up now. Don't know why except that I feel like "what is the point?" I mean I feel like I am not getting anywhere and that I am making things worse and I feel that I get no support or encouragement in my efforts from anyone...besides, those that would normally support me are dealing with their own stuff--so why should I think they'd spend time on my stuff? I used to think my faith was very strong, but not so much anymore.

It is just that, honestly, I don't want to wake up one morning when I am say 83 and suddenly God reveals to me why I wnet through all the crap that I and my family did or didn't get the answers or interventions I so desperately wanted only to die the next day. This must be similar to the feelings my husband has felt lately too. Great...two crabby abbies in the same family. What great examples we will be to our children.