Mixed Up Inside

Okay, Here's My Deal...

The news of my dad's pancreatic mass has just thrown my insides into a jumble. I don't know how to feel or to act and I am not even sure if I am supposed to know. He has two appointments this week, one a consult with a surgeon to see about having both an upper and lower scope done (this was scheduled before the CT that found the mass was done) and one with oncologists. I am sure that we won't know much else this week, but I am pretty sure that there will be more tests ordered to figure out what exactly is going on and what will be next. My brother is going to the oncology appointment. I am not. At least I don't think I am. I am torn, but only because it may just prove to frustrate me in the fact that I most likely won't have the answers I think I am craving right now. Don't even know if that makes sense.

I just know that I don't know anything and it is drving me crazy. It is spilling over to the people around me as well and that is frustrating. I do know that I am going to call my doctor and see about bumping up my dose of Zoloft for a while. I also know I am going to call my pastor and try to meet with him. And, more than likely I will be needing to contact my counselor again. I also know that my husband will be as supportive as possible even though he is going through his own deal with this. I mean, something like this will affect everyone involved. I can not imagine what my dad, my mom or my brother are going through...not to mention my husband and my SIL and what the boys will go through as this progresses.

Aaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhh!!!!! I have to stop.