Spun Around, Twisted and Mixed Up

Okay, Here's My Deal...

I feel like a Rubik's Cube. Not one right of the package, with all of the colors all still together and uniform. One that has been all spun, twisted and mixed up. I am sure that I am not the only one in the world to feel this way and I just seem to be going on and whining about everything going on right now.

I guess this is just part of the process of dealing with a terminal illness of a loved one. Sorting out the feelings and emotions. I know I need to try and also focus on what else is going with my surgery recovery and catching up on school work and getting things ready for the end of the school year and tryingto deal with the skyrocketing prices of gas and food--which puts a strain on us and makes me wonder if we can afford to go home to see my dad as often as I'd like in the time he has left.

I keep trying to figure out if I am using all of my coping skills to be able to get through this. My husband keeps reminding me that he is here to listen anyitme that I need him to. I know that, it is just that I am not sure what I want to say or do right now. I feel like he may stary to feel that I don't trust him enough to talk to him or that I may feel like he can't handle it...and that is not the case at all. Friends that have been through similar circumstances have also offered to help. Just don't know what it is that I want.

I stopped by the Hospice office today and I got a couple of books for kids about death so I can read them to get an idea of what to say to my son. I am getting ideas and think I know how I am going to deal with this--a lot of things will depend on how he reacts this weekend when he sees his Papa again. I am sure that he will notice the physical changes in him. I will just have to take cues from him and see what he says and then I can go in whateveer direction that takes us.

Well, staying up later than I should doing this is not going to help me be as rested as I should and will only add to the spinning, twisting and mixing up of me...so I close now and will be back again later.