Starting to Sink In

Okay, Here's My Deal...

We went home to see my parents this weekend to celebrate our sons' birthdays, one is in April, one in May. I think my dad was up and around about a total of maybe three, at most four hours the entire time we were there from Friday evening to this afternoon. The rest of the time he was in his room, sleeping the majority of the time, just laying there the rest.

The cancer is really starting to take its toll, I think. His weight loss is increasing and the lethargy and withdrawall are, too. That is normal for terminal patients. His jaundice is really quite pronounced now, as well. He said there is pain, but it is more the general discomfort that doesn't seem to subside even with the doubled amounts of two different kinds of morphine.

I really noticed the amount of aging that has happened in the last month or so. He is looking more and more like his father, my grandpa. And he was older than my dad is now when he passed aaway.

My husband and I are kind of in the same mindset that he (my dad, not my husband) is sort of just sitting back and resolving himself to the inevitablity of his death and wants it to end. And, in true form to his personality, it is not for selfish reasons, but rather for us. I think it really drives him nuts that this has happened and disrupted the lives of those he loves. He has always wanted nothing but the best for those he loves and this is certainly not the best of situations.

My brother and I talked tonight when we left and our guts tell us the same thing--that Dad may not make it to the end of the school year.

My mom has been terribly strong through all of this. I think that it is taking everything she has to keep it together when we talk to her or when we are there. I have a feeling that it is when she is alone that she takes her time to grieve in the present and be upset. I do worry about her health. She is not in the best health to start with and everything is just wearing on her a lot. It has to take its toll. I mean, Iam in pretty good health, not counting my surgical recovery, and I am tired--but she is there all of the time and is his primary caregiver. I can not imagine what eitehr of them are going through right now. I can't even figure out what I am going through right now............................