Beyond Spun, Twisted and Mixed Up

Okay, Here's My Deal...

It may be hard to tell from this graphic, but the penguin pictured is falling apart.

This is how I feel. And I know this is how my parents and brother & SIL and my husband must feel.

Tonight my SIL called to tell me that my mom had called to have my brother come home because she was sick. Well, she is now in the hospital for at least 24 hours. I was already going home this weekend, but may be going earlier, depending on what happens next.

The stress is incredibly unbelievable. Any little thing is setting me off. My poor husband got the brunt of it the other day in the driveway when I had a meltdown over the stupid car seat and again tonight. Just as I had left to go to school to do emergency lesson plans, leaving him here with the boys (again...) his work called needing him. Well, I didn't get home for about an hour and a half after they had called, so as soon as I got home we played pass the kids and he went to work. He came back later, being crabby from havingto go in and being stressed over everything else and I was crabby and we just snipped and picked at each other.

Is this how it is going to be for a while? I mean, things are only going to get worse. I am sure that my brother and SIL are going through the saem stuff...and add on top of it their buying a home and selling theirs, her caring for her mom and other family members.

I feel so bad for how this is affecting (effecting?) everyone. It is not fair and I know that life is not fair, but come on. Seriously? Then I stop and think that there are otehrs who really quite incredibly have it so much worse. How crazy is that? How do they do it? Or do they? I can't imagine their deals.

Bubbles Bubbles Everywhere

Okay, Here's My Deal...

Tonight was a nice break from everything for justa slight moment. We were all outside and our oldest son was playing with a bubble gun he got for an early birthday present from his Papa and Grandma this weekend. There were bubble everywhere and he was running into them and trying to catch them and saying it was a bubble forrest. I just sat on the steps and watched him playing with Daddy, who was holding baby brother--he was laughing and having almost as much fun as the oldest was. It was a nice little distraction from all of the yuckiness going on right now with everyone.

Starting to Sink In

Okay, Here's My Deal...

We went home to see my parents this weekend to celebrate our sons' birthdays, one is in April, one in May. I think my dad was up and around about a total of maybe three, at most four hours the entire time we were there from Friday evening to this afternoon. The rest of the time he was in his room, sleeping the majority of the time, just laying there the rest.

The cancer is really starting to take its toll, I think. His weight loss is increasing and the lethargy and withdrawall are, too. That is normal for terminal patients. His jaundice is really quite pronounced now, as well. He said there is pain, but it is more the general discomfort that doesn't seem to subside even with the doubled amounts of two different kinds of morphine.

I really noticed the amount of aging that has happened in the last month or so. He is looking more and more like his father, my grandpa. And he was older than my dad is now when he passed aaway.

My husband and I are kind of in the same mindset that he (my dad, not my husband) is sort of just sitting back and resolving himself to the inevitablity of his death and wants it to end. And, in true form to his personality, it is not for selfish reasons, but rather for us. I think it really drives him nuts that this has happened and disrupted the lives of those he loves. He has always wanted nothing but the best for those he loves and this is certainly not the best of situations.

My brother and I talked tonight when we left and our guts tell us the same thing--that Dad may not make it to the end of the school year.

My mom has been terribly strong through all of this. I think that it is taking everything she has to keep it together when we talk to her or when we are there. I have a feeling that it is when she is alone that she takes her time to grieve in the present and be upset. I do worry about her health. She is not in the best health to start with and everything is just wearing on her a lot. It has to take its toll. I mean, Iam in pretty good health, not counting my surgical recovery, and I am tired--but she is there all of the time and is his primary caregiver. I can not imagine what eitehr of them are going through right now. I can't even figure out what I am going through right now............................

Spun Around, Twisted and Mixed Up

Okay, Here's My Deal...

I feel like a Rubik's Cube. Not one right of the package, with all of the colors all still together and uniform. One that has been all spun, twisted and mixed up. I am sure that I am not the only one in the world to feel this way and I just seem to be going on and whining about everything going on right now.

I guess this is just part of the process of dealing with a terminal illness of a loved one. Sorting out the feelings and emotions. I know I need to try and also focus on what else is going with my surgery recovery and catching up on school work and getting things ready for the end of the school year and tryingto deal with the skyrocketing prices of gas and food--which puts a strain on us and makes me wonder if we can afford to go home to see my dad as often as I'd like in the time he has left.

I keep trying to figure out if I am using all of my coping skills to be able to get through this. My husband keeps reminding me that he is here to listen anyitme that I need him to. I know that, it is just that I am not sure what I want to say or do right now. I feel like he may stary to feel that I don't trust him enough to talk to him or that I may feel like he can't handle it...and that is not the case at all. Friends that have been through similar circumstances have also offered to help. Just don't know what it is that I want.

I stopped by the Hospice office today and I got a couple of books for kids about death so I can read them to get an idea of what to say to my son. I am getting ideas and think I know how I am going to deal with this--a lot of things will depend on how he reacts this weekend when he sees his Papa again. I am sure that he will notice the physical changes in him. I will just have to take cues from him and see what he says and then I can go in whateveer direction that takes us.

Well, staying up later than I should doing this is not going to help me be as rested as I should and will only add to the spinning, twisting and mixing up of me...so I close now and will be back again later.

Greek to Me

Okay, Here's My Deal...

I am still a little overwhelmed about being gone for a week from school. Papers need to be recorded but luckily, for the most part, my sub kept me right were I wanted to be in the book. But, this is the time of year when things come up and kids are gone for a variety of things. It gets hard to stay on track anyway.

Well, now I find out, that next week is "Greek Week" for one of the sixth grade teams and they want me to do a bunch of things in my sixth grade class to include those kids from their team in my advanced class in the festivities. I had everything pretty much planned for the rest of the year and now I have to see if I can rearrange my stuff to fit in with their stuff. Noramlly, I am a team player, but I don't if I can hang with this one 100%.

Back then on my back

Okay, Here's My Deal...

First day back at school to teach since my surgery. I taught the first two hours of the day, my two math classes, then did paperwork for the next period. My gifted ed classes, which are pull out classes, have been cancelled for the week and my study hall kids are being reassigned temporarily to other teachers (only 3 or 4 go to one teacher). This way, I get back to work and build my stamina, but still get to rest and recover a little more and the district does not have to hire a sub.

Anyway, it was good to be back, and the kids went nuts over my gallstones--kind of a weird, surgical show and tell--but when I got home, ate lunch and replied to a couple of emails, I laid down at about 12:15 and did not wake up until my husband came home at 3:50. I am still pretty tuckered and am headed to bed as soon as I post this.

Don't Major the Minor

Okay, Here's My Deal...

The title is not something I came up with on my own. A mommie on my Christian Mommie board posted something on this and I am going off of that. She was saying how she always let the little things drive her nuts and she never seemed to be able to remember the saying "Don't sweat the small stuff." But somebody told her, "Don't Major the Minor" and she now tells herself this every day.

Sometimes, however, I think that this phrase decribes me sometimes, but not in the way that it was intended. I usually don't let the little things bother me. Often times, the big things don't get me too ruffled, either. Well, typically speaking...there are times when my propencity to depression causes me to explode at the small things, the big things, no things...but normally, when I am on an even keel (on or off medication--seriously) I deal with stuff pretty good.

So, I don't know if it is the medication now (initially for post partum, but continuing because of everything else going on right now) or what...but I actually seem to be Minoring the Major. It is really not like I am in denial about my dad's cancer and his eventual death, but it is almost as if I am just taking that in like it is la de da ho hum just another thing in life. I mean, I am glad that I am not a basket case bawling all of the time or in total unrealistic denial. However, I don't think I am at a happy medium of these extremes, either.

I feel like I am just sort of in a limbo. I guess for each person, theyhave to deal with and let things sink in their own way. My husband doesn't think it has really hit him yet, either, except for the initial anger that he had. So, I guess, I really don't know what my deal is or if I even have a deal. Time will tell, I guess.

One Giant Leap For...

Okay, Here's My Deal...

One day shy of his first birthday, our youngest decided to take about two and a half steps! Well, decided is probably not the best word...was sidetracked and accidentally took a few step is more like it.

He'd been on my lap, having a bottle and he wanted down. So, I put him down and steadied him with one leg extended. He had bottle in one hand and one hand on me and I slowly pulled my leg back and he was standing there just hanging out. He wanted something on the floor and he just took the steps toward it and then fell forward to reach for it.

It was nice that we were able to see it and that it did not happen at the sitters. We were able to see our first's steps, too. Unfortunately many parents do not get to see some of those firsts.

I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet...

Okay, Here's My Deal...

We live in a town that has trains...the BNSF (Burlington Northern Santa Fe) and others come through here at all hours of the day. So, we are used to hearing them and feeling them.

This morning, about 4:40 or so, my husband was up with the baby. I thought I felt a train, but then heard more rattling of things than I usually do. The windows rattled more and I heard the over the door towel rack click clack against the door. It lasted longer than normal, too. I just figured it was a longer, heavily loaded train. I was wrong.

There was an earthquake near the border of Illinios and Indiana and was a 5.2. We were feeling the tremors of the quake!! It thought maybe it was the New Madrid Fault, but actually, it was actually the Wabash Fault, an extension of the New Madrid. How ironic that I thought it was a train it was an earthquake on the Wabash fault? (see, there is an old song about the Wabash Cannonball...a train...well, if I have to explain it, it loses it effectiveness)

Anyway, I thought that was really interesting.

Lost and Found

Okay, Here's My Deal...

First, let me give the link to this series of cartoons called the Lost Penguin Tribe. It's great:

www.creativestubblemonkey.com/.../penguin001.htm
It is where I got this graphic. In case you can't read it, it says,

"Will you now just admit it. We're lost!"

Anyway, on to my deal. I got an e-mail today from a long lost friend. I knew that things had been difficult for her for quite a while, but also knew her personality is such that she just needs time and space to work things out. And, I also knew that in the hard times, I knew I would find her and she would be there...and such was the case. Friendships like the one I share with her are just amazing. Literally years can go by and there be no communication or one-sided communication and then, when it really counts, BAM, it is just like it was. If you have no idea whatI am talking about, then you don't have a friend like this. If you understand completely, then you have one or two like this as well. Aren't we fortunate?

I liken it to our relationsip with God. I feel that way many times that I am the only one communicating in my relationship with Him...that He is absent from me.

But, all too often, it is He that is desperately trying to talk to me and I am not listening or off doing my own thing. But, He, just like me in this case, accpets me right back with open arms and forgives me for all the time that has past and that I have not been as faithful as I should.

Strange & Morbid...but Good?

Okay, Here's My Deal...

Last night I picked out some pictures to send to my brother. My mom asked him to take a bunch of pictures and create a sort of collage to hang in the room my dad sleeps in now so that he can look at while he is laying down.

Okay, I can understand this because it may be comforting to my dad. But, it was really strange for me, almost bordering on morbid. here I was picking out pictures for my dad to look at while he lays dying. It was very sureal and I still don't know how I feel about it, really.

My mom said that neither she or dad want pictures or videos at their visitations. They don't like them. I sort of wanted to put a picture or two of him and the boys in his coffin, but now I don't know if I should or not. I guess I just need to ask. Maybe they would let me put them in after the visitation or have them placed in before they close the casket.

All of this is just strange for me even though I grew up around death. I had several sets of grandparents and great-grandparents. And, I have had several other relatives who have died from disease or age. So death is not foreign to me. Now, to my husband, it is. So, he is having his own issues with all of this...heaped on with my surgery recovery and other stuff.

Sad? Angry? Both?

Okay, Here's My Deal...

My mom called last night with the latest update on my dad's health. Things are not looking good--which we have been sort of expecting, but it just seems things are going a lot faster than we'd like.

I have such a mix ofemotions right now I don't even know if I can express them even if someone asked. I can't even imagine what my dad and my mom are feeling or going through.

The Adventures of MuttDuck and the DNR K9

Okay, Here's My Deal...

Yesterday, my husband came home from work and said he had just witnessed a dog chasing a duck. He said that a duck had been hanging out in front of his hotel and was trying to come in whenever guests came in and out. One of the people who worked there named it Matilda. Another lady was calling it Frank.

They decided to call the DNR (Dept. of Natural Resources) to see about coming to get the duck. When he got there, he said that it was just a plain old "muttduck" from a farm. The reason it was not flying away was that its wings were clipped. He said that his dog would have a blast chasing it...so he let the dog out and the chase was on. He chased it into the water standing in the ditch and they'd go for a while, the duck would go QUACK and then disappear under the water only to emerge somewhere else. This continued for a while until another lady came out and said she would take it to her farm, so the guy called off the dog and left.

I might just have paid some good money to see that.

Always Amazes Me

Okay, Here's My Deal...

My almost 4 year old has really gotten into Star Wars. He has watched the original Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope like a hundred times. He knows that Darth Vader is a bad guy and that he doesn't play nice and that he needs a time out.

(*****Spoiler Alert...if you have not seen all of the original three Star Wars, I give out plot information, so do not read any further!!*****)

Well, the other night we were flipping through the channels and we came across Episode VI: Returnof the Jedi, the one with the Ewoks in it and when we see Darth Vaders face. Our son had not seen this movie before at all. We were at the point where Luke Skywalker was fighting the Emporer and losing. Darth Vader stepped in to save Luke, his son, and killed the Emporer by throwing him over the railing. Anyway, just as Vader did that, our son sat up and said, "Look! He's not a bad guy anymore! He's a good guy!"

I was amazed at how he picked up on that just from seeing it the first time. He just seems to have this intuition about stuff. I sure hope he keeps it as he gets older.

I Can't Imagine

Okay, Here's My Deal...

That empty, lifeless outline over there? Yeah, that would be me without my husband. I certainly hope that I have told him enough these past few days how much I appreciate everything he has done over the years, but especially since my surgery the other day. I keep telling him, but I hope that he knows I am sincere.

As if there wasn't enough on his plate, after work he is going to take the boys to the pediatrician...we think the youngest may have the start of pink eye. Hope not because then he'd hveto stay home from the sitter and since I cna't lift anyhting over a few pounds yet, my husband would have to stay home, but there are a bajillion things scheduled for him at work tomorrow and he really can't miss.

I simply cannot imagine what it would be like to do this on my own. People do it, I know. And, I am sure I would suck it up and just do it somehow, go into survivor mode, I guess. But I am ever thankful and appreciative that I do have him in my life. I just hope that I am able to carry my part of the load if he ever needs me to be there for him like he has for me.

Go Drugs!!

Okay, Here's My Deal...

My gallbladder was taken out yesterday. Let me just say that I am not letting one minute past the time that I am to take my pain medication go by!! Give me a c-section anytime. I guess because it is a different sort of procedure. That is about all I have right now...it is time for my drugs. YAY!!

Under the Knife

Okay, Here's My Deal...

Tomorrow is my gallbladder surgery. Bright and early. Honestly, I am a little bit nervous. Not so much about the actual surgery, but my recovery. And, it really isn't about me, actually.

I just worry so much that something is going to happen with my dad while I am recovering and I won't be able to help my mom like I should. I know it is silly, but I can't shake it from my gut. But I can't put it off...I am having more trouble with it.

I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off today at school trying to get everything ready for my sub. It didn't help that our computers were down for most of the morning and then one of the things that I really needed to get into was down all day and I didn't get it done.

Well, that is it for now...need to get some rest because I have to be at the hospital at 7 a.m.

Study Hell

Okay, Here's My Deal...

No, the title is not a typo. I did mean hEll and not hall. The very last hour of my day at school is study hall. No matter how great of a day I had up to then, it all goes to crap in the last 53 minutes of the day and I end up looking like this guy over here.

I don'thave discipline problems in my classroom. In the math classes I teach, I just don't have issues. Now granted, I do teach the advanced students and they generally want to be in class. But, since my room is meant to be for small groups of gifted kids, there is not enough room for the 30 kids I have in study hall, so I was assigned the cafeteria for study hall. Great, I thought. I can spread them out and it will be quiet.

Right. I have lost track of the times I have changed sseats. I have even gone to our auditorium to spread them out even more and nothing works. It is just the combination of kids that I have and the fact that only about 7 or 8 kids ever really use study hall as a time to do homework.

I just hate it so much. I am counting down the days til the end of the year simply because of this class...bleah.

Feeling a Little Frazzled

Okay, Here's My Deal...

I think that anyone who might read this now knows about my dad's cancer, so I won't be secretive anymore. I was there this weekend--we were all going to go up to celebrate our youngerst son's first birthday early. But, the day we were to leave my mom called upset. She was sick and afraid she might have to go to the hospital and worried about what to do. I went up by myself so I could help out and no one would have to worry about the boys.

Turns out, she did not need to be hospitalized and things were back to "normal" by the next day. SHe still doesn't feel too good, but better. Her cousin and my brother also came up for the day and helped. That was nice. And my husband ROCKED at home while I was gone--He cleaned and caught up laundry and dishes and took super care of the boys!!!!!!!!!!

I am home not feeling too good today, but kept the oldest boy home with me. I am feeling a little better now, but still frazzled. Now I only have three days to get ready for a sub for a week (at least...) while I recover from my gallbladder surgery on Friday of this week. Like I said, the house looks awesome, but I want to get a few more things done before the surgery. I finally get to go see my counselor today, so that will be good, but emotionally draining.

So far, Dad has not indicated what he is going to do or not do as far as treatment. I am fully supportive of whatever he decides, but I wish he would just decide. But, it is his life, his disease and ultimately his death, so I think he deserves all the time he needs to think.

Now, there are some other possible health issues that may come to the forefront with my husband's side of the family...so that is in the back of my mind, too. Just a lot of irons in the fire right now.

My mantra has been the following things from the Word:

1. God has plans for me
2. God works all things for good
3. God is not doing this, but allowing it for an ultimate reason (see above)
4. God doesn't give us more than we can handle
5. God is the Great Healer and Physician
6. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
7. When I am still, God will fight for me

Deep down in my heart, I know all of this...applying it all the time is hard. That is why I ahve an awesome prayer support system of friends from work, church and my life in general. My husband is always awesome too. And it is nice that my brother and his wife are also Christians. So, things will work out--not necessarily how I might want them, but they will work out in the end and I just have to trust that I and everyone else can get through everything with grace and peace in the end.

Better go...laundry and my four year old calls!

When it Pours, He Reigns

Okay, Here's My Deal...

Yeah, I know that the saying usually goes, "When it rains, it pours."

Well, right now with so many things going on in our lives and the lives of the people around us, I have to remember this modified version of, "When it pours, He reigns." He, of course, in case you don't know Him, is Jesus.

I know that God did not do any of these things to me or to the people around me. For some reason, He is allowing these things to happen. There is a greater good even if I can't see it right now. I may not see it until the very end--or the very beginning, rather--when I am before Him in Heaven.

As tempting as it is to blame or to be negative, I have to try and stay focused on good things and enjoy the time that is here and now nad let tomorrow be just what is...another day and another chance to live my life as He would want me to. Is that easy? Of course not. I am not pretending that it will be. But I have to believe that my faith and His love will bring me and the other people affected by these things through.